So, what's been bugging me more these few weeks is the SYF Competition which is in 2 weeks' time. 2 weeks is a short time, which is especially apparent in the case of YJC's Malay Contemporary dancers. The trouble with us is really about time. Time is such a major issue for us that we feel that sometimes, why are we even trying in the first place? Our dancers are really, really, really tired and strained with catching up with dance steps and formation that we fail to realise our weakest point, the core that would strengthen us as a dance group.
I can't deny the fact that all this while, we fail to realise the individualistic nature of all our dancers. To be honest, we have the both extremes - the strongest dancer to the weakest dancer. As much as we push each other to keep up with the choreography, what we are putting off those who have to struggle their way through the whole dance, minus the fact that most of us are first time performers and are 'forced' to join due to the small numbers.
First of all, I would like to apologise for not showing you guys that I care. Because the truth is, I do care and I do want to help. I have my opinions of you guys but I'm afraid that the words that I'll speak will mean something else to you guys and you would most probably think that I'm being bossy or mean. But the only reason I suppressed my feelings about these is because I thought of your feelings too. I know how it feels like not being able to catch up with all the steps and formations as quickly as some others can, so I've no MAJOR issue about that. But the funny thing is, after 3 months of training, I still do see the same mistakes, the same parts that you've missed the previous times and the same old 'crap' that you're putting in for the dance team every training day.
I'm sure you might disagree with what I have to say but I would really want to make you open your eyes, and see the reality of it. As much as we want to be united and go hyper for the sake of lifting everyone's spirits, we are REALLY not putting in much effort into the main course itself, which is the DANCE. I pity people like Lizah, whom we can't deny the fact that she's been the most hardworking person in this group and getting all tensed because we know that she cares for us. But can you see that with this type of 'crap' we are doing for SYF, we are a COP recipient potential. And Lizah was a previous GOLD AWARD dancer. Do you really see the stark difference here? How could anyone have the heart to give this one person a COP when we all know how much potential and how passionate of a dancer she is? I would really feel guilty about it...
And I'm not saying that I'm perfect as well. Maybe the female dancers might (and does) think that the male dancers are doing great with the choreography and such but we're not! I am a dancer and I was given the responsibility to be in charge of the boys and frankly speaking, we're not even at that bar yet. We have our individual personalities which we incorporated into our dance styles that I don't feel a sense of unity, a sense of uniformity with it. I am sadden by the fact that we couldn't put away our individual characteristics away or at the very least, blend it together to give the dance more of what is really requires right now - its OOMPH, if you know what I mean.
Dancing is just not about memorizing the steps and knowing where to stand next. Dancing starts from within, whereby you could really feel the rhythm of the music beating inside you. It's one of those feelings that you would feel as if you're high on drugs, and just moving to the song. It's like you're one with the music, one with everybody else who is performing on stage and you just feel.. belonged.
But it's such a pity, that right now I don't really feel belonged to the group. We're just a dysfunctional group of people making a BIG FOOL out of ourselves (which is pretty evident during the UCC rehearsal). I'm sorry once again if I unintentionally hurt your feelings by saying all the things I've said but these are the truth. This is really what the teachers have been trying to say to us especially our dance instructor. Do you know how difficult it is for him to manage us in a mere four months, handling a group which does not even have the basic techniques right? Maybe, right now I hope you would do some reflection about it because I seriously do not want to get a freaking COP for all the effort I've put into this dance. You think I'm smart by taking 4H2 subjects but do you know I had to sacrifice my studies for this? How do you think I feel?
I'm not blaming on you, really. Maybe, it's me for not telling you these earlier or everything could be avoided in the first place. I'm sorry again. I'm such an idiot.
(WFA if you're reading this, I really need to talk to you soon. I'm losing myself currently.)
Labels: to those who tried to bring me down i'll keep my faith up.