Vintage Mannequin

The Man Who Moved

2010-05-08T00:16:00.001+08:00

Yes, I love to jump on bandwagons (or trolleys, literally).
Blog updates are on my very own Tumblr: http://sunshineisthenewsexxxy.tumblr.com/

See you there, fellow invisible readers! (:

2010-04-18T15:27:00.001+08:00

I wished you knew :(

Falling

2010-04-14T23:48:00.003+08:00

Have I told you my life's crazy? Like a whirlwind-turnabout-hurricane-cyclone kinda crazy. I, Syahrul Naem, has been spending too much money on unnecessary stuff and FOOD and is in need of a good ass financial planning scheme for me to survive and pay for my own university education. And I need to do the portfolio for Architecture interview... which is like next week? Gosh, I didn't know doing a portfolio can be so... irritatingly pleasant and non-inspiring at all. I need a fresh story in my life.

I seriously think that if one is to commit himself to one person only, he should know the pains of going through crap with that one person. Trust me, there will be more tears than laughter, and the pain is as ruthless as stabbing your heart and trying to wriggle it out but you just leave it there for the fun of seeing the victim suffer kinda pain. And the idea of being dependent on one person in your whole yet-to-be-explored exciting Life is ridiculous but as long as it makes you happy, I'm happy for you.

I'm feeling so cynical, jubilant and shagged at the same time that I feel like eating Maggi in my underwear while watching re-runs of FRIENDS on Starworld (which I doubt is showing at this ungodly hour). Oh LIFE!

just like gravity

2010-04-12T21:10:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wish I could show my gratitude the best way I could for all the things that have happened in the past first few months of 2010. Too many good things happening one time after another, it feels kinda... surreal. I'm so thankful to God and my loved ones for always believing in me even though I've always doubted my own capabilities and my own strengths. I love you, now and forever.

As some of you may or may not heard, I received a letter from NUS stating that I've been shortlisted for the NUS ARCHITECTURE test and interview! If you're feeling excited, the feeling's mutual. Heh. But what kind of test would they throw at us? Drawing buildings? Nice. I will draw a Wonderland with lots and lots of... houses made of cotton candy. Hahaha what? Can't a future architect dream?

And yes, I am so free right now because I've POP-ed (read: passed out from Tekong) and I've got a week of block leave. I'm only getting my posting results on Friday and I pray for the best. You know, on one side of my brain, I'll be ecstatic if I got into OCS, but on the other side, I'm worried. Worried because... it's going to be tough, mentally and physically. Heck, what's new? That's Army for you. Haha.

Planned lots of meet ups this week. Too many things happening so I've decided to get myself a planner from Popular tomorrow. My schedule's too messy for my brain to take in. I guess this is what it feels like to have a money (not that it is a lot, mind you) and meeting clients (friends) here and there. But the most awesome thing about block leave is that you spend more time with your loved ones. Meeting best friend on Wednesday and I can't wait. I miss you <3

Woah, one day and I'm already missing you.
Can't wait for Friday night!

Familia

2010-04-04T16:26:00.006+08:00

See how we've grown in three years.
More perfect family portraits to come.
I love you.

Overboard

2010-04-04T15:38:00.001+08:00

I'll forget you if that's what you want me to do.
I'm sorry if I'm no longer your angel.

2010-04-03T19:59:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I want to have a reason to believe that you're still there for me.
Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one holding on to the other end of the thread, not wanting to let go.

Because I'm afraid.
And no one seemed to understand this.

Even tears won't do the trick but I'm crying.
Because there are no words nor languages that could describe the wretched feeling I'm in now.

Everything's easier said than done.
I don't want to argue with you anymore, best friend.
Because you're right all along and I surrender.

2010-03-29T00:00:00.000+08:00

To two special people I once knew,
To two special people I missed dearly,

Happy Birthday.

May God bless you with good health.
May your wishes come true.

Yours sincerely,
Sunshine.

dear best friend

2010-03-28T00:33:00.002+08:00

I know what you're going through right now isn't easy.
Because I've been in your shoes and trust me, it takes time.

But I want you to realise that this is a test of our will, our strength.
We don't have the power to control the things we wished we could.
At the very least, you felt what it was like being loved by someone who truly cares for you.
And in so many ways, I envy you.
Because you're a special being in my life who deserves nothing but the best in Life.

When Life don't give you the best or threw crap at you, that is not the time that you should give up nor take it to heart.
I don't want to see you sad anymore.
Be strong and face this challenge with a lot of faith.
Thank God for giving you a miracle - the one who showed you your own self-worth.
Through this miracle, you grow, learn and became a better person in Life.

Right now, I want you to concentrate on your studies and don't let this be a barrier between you and your perfect 'A' Level scores.
Because if there's any person who will lose out, trust me, it wouldn't be you :)

Take care.
I love you a lot.

2010-03-14T17:20:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling restless and useless. Period.

2010-03-13T05:38:00.002+08:00

You know, the feeling of being... confused and undecisive can be a pain in the laurels. Maybe I'm just too fickle-minded about all these decisions that I'm putting all the unnecessary pressure on myself. It's hard to get by when you need to share it with someone but no one is there to hear you out. This is as amazing as it can get... being a lonely earthling.

On a high note, I've officially got through all the high key events in BMT and thus, I shall patiently wait for GP in four weeks' time :) It's funny when others tell you that you're capable of command school and you're like "WHAT? Nooooooo.. you're much capable than me" and then they go like "No, like seriously". I'm at crossroads with command school shizz. I'll just take whatever okay.

2010-03-07T15:27:00.002+08:00

Alhamdulillah my efforts have proven to be fruitful. Results for 'A' Levels were out on Friday and I didn't do that bad, so I'm really thankful to God and those who have supported me throughout my 2 years in college. For my lovely friends who did not really get what you wanted or did not really make it through this battle, I hope a second chance or a brighter opportunity will dawn upon you soon. Do not lose hope just yet because God has plenty of plans for you. Believe in yourself and keep the faith strong, love.

I realise how tough making decisions can be when you're older. It doesn't really mean you make wiser decisions, you just have to be careful with the decisions you have made because one wrong move could change your life drastically. And so says Syahrul who hasn't really made up his mind about universities and scholarships. Everything is happening too fast and I swear I feel like a speck of dust blown across the world 10 times per hour.

I miss a lot of people right now.
But I particularly miss you.

2010-02-21T10:53:00.001+08:00

Because a man's bestfriend doesn't have to be a dog..

Have a safe trip to Heaven, JJ.
You big black cat.

2010-02-20T09:14:00.002+08:00

Meet ups with bestfriend always got me thinking about myself. Of all the people I know, I guess he's the one who knows what I'm going through and even though his words may sometimes cut me deep but it's painfully comforting at the same time. Bestfriend always remind me of my self-worth and he thinks that to be who I am, I don't deserve most of the things that I'm facing right now. He's right and it's me that needs to make a choice... difficult choices.

You know, I'm so jealous of bestfriend. Our lives are so different as compared to just two years ago? In the past, when R was around, I would brag to bestfriend about how great R was and that would make him realllllllly envious because he was single then. But it's all opposite now... He's the one with an awesome partner and never failed to share with me sweet stories about their relationship. Albeit, it didn't failed to make me recall some of my own memories with R but bestfriend's in a better position than me, for sure.

Some might say it's karma - what goes around, comes around. Here's to me bragging so much in the past. Hehe I guess it's becoming a norm to regret so many things you do in the past. It's definitely difficult to accept Fate as it is at this stage in Life. Sometimes you wish you had super powers so that things will go your way but who am I kidding, this is real. Growing up isn't an easy business but then again, who said it was? You just take it in your stride and move.

Oh well, I hope bestfriend cherishes his relationship because being in love is the greatest feeling everyone should deserve to feel. I love you, bestfriend.

2010-02-16T17:13:00.002+08:00

Watched Valentine's Day with my friends and I thought it was a pretty okay movie, generally. But I guess it's more of a couple's kinda movies where couples end up smooching and snogging each other in the middle of the movie because well... let's just say more than half of the movie was based on kissing scenes. Plus the quotes in the movie was oh-so-sweet and romantic that it'll just make your heart go boom-boom-boom. It's not surprising that during the movie, I can't help but think about someone.

I should've known from the start to keep my heart away from strangers. If I could rewind time, I wish none of these would happen but it did. I should've heed my mum's advice. She used to say that I shouldn't let anyone break my heart until I'm old enough to handle it with care. She used to say that if someone breaks my heart, then that person is not worthy of my love. She used to say that if my heart is broken, I should let her fix it back because I'm her son and no one should dare break his heart. Well, I guess I didn't heed much of her advice because I'm pretty much a broken boy/man now. And it's true when they say that things get harder when you get older.

And I never told you any of this because... I didn't want to lose you. But now I'm losing you...

2010-02-15T23:49:00.002+08:00

2010-02-15T18:46:00.001+08:00

2010-02-14T22:31:00.000+08:00

Pretence.

Is a game I'm not willing to play.

2010-02-14T12:26:00.002+08:00

I bust the windows out your car
And though it didn't mend my broken heart
I'll probably always have these ugly scars
But right now I don't care about that part.

I bust the windows out your car
After I saw you looking right at her
I didn't wanna but I took my turn
I'm glad I did it cause you had to learn

I must admit it helped a little bit
To think of how you'd felt when you saw it
I didn't know that I had that much strength
But I'm glad you see what happens when
You see you can't just play with people's feelings
Tell them you love them and don't mean it
You'll probably say that it was juvenile
But I think that I deserved to smile ha, ha, ha, ha, ha

I bust the windows out your car
You know I did it cause I left my mark
Wrote my initials with the crowbar
And then I drove off into the dark

I bust the windows out your car ha,
You should feel lucky that was all I did
After 5 whole years of this bullshit
Gave you all of me and you played with it

I must admit it helped a little bit
To think of how you'd feel when you saw it
I didn't know that I had that much strength
But I'm glad you see what happens when
You see you can't just play with people's feelings
Tell them you love them and don't mean it
You probably say that it was juvenile
But I think that I deserved to smile

Bust windows out your car
But it don't come back to my broken heart
You could never feel I how I felt that day
Until it happens baby you don't know pain
Ooh Yeah I did it (yeah I did it)
You should know it (you should know it)
I ain't sorry (I ain't sorry)
You deserved it (you deserved it)
After what you did to me (after what you did)
You deserve it (you deserve it)
I ain't sorry no no ohhh (I aint sorry)
You broke my heart so I broke you car
You caused me pain (you caused me pain)
(So I did the same)
Even though what you did to me was much worse
I had to do something to make you hurt
Oh but why am I still crying
Why am I the one who's still crying
Oh oh you really hurt me baby
You really, you really hurt me baby

Hey hey hey hey hey
Now watch me you
Now watch me
Oooh I bust the windows out your car.

2010-02-13T22:12:00.006+08:00

COMPROMISE.

So, when does anybody start to give back?
I gave so much in return for so little.

Happy Chinese New Year.
Happy St. Valentine's.

Impossible

2010-02-07T13:44:00.003+08:00

If I told you I am sad,
That will be an understatement.

What do you do when you're hurt?

2010-02-07T00:13:00.003+08:00

At first, I thought, yesterday, was going to be life-changing.
But for the umpteenth time, I was wrong.
And I was disappointed.

You didn't make the least effort to remember the date.
But if M was right, thanks for the message that you sent through the stars.
Yes, it was brighter than usual, but I wished for something else.
I know you know.

valentine came too early

2010-02-06T00:00:00.000+08:00

6th of February,
May not mean anything to anyone
But to one soul, it means the world to him.
This is the date when two people made a promise,
To love one another to their best capabilities
To cherish one another
With the stars and the moon being their only witnesses.

This date, two years ago, things were fresh and chirpy.
Life seemed so easy like falling on a bed of cotton candy clouds.
We were like two little kids simply contented with sharing a huge swirly colourful lollipop.
Never had one been deeply in love with the other before,
Because nothing else mattered to him except you.

You came into his life like a ray of sunshine,
Lighting up even the darkest corners of his being.
You held his heart in the most gentle manner as if it was a full empty eggshell,
Easily broken into tiny pieces.
But as time passed by, you filled that empty shell of a heart that he has with your love.
You made him feel like a million bucks,
Because you didn't want to lose him at all.

This may be a little cliche,
But he felt like the luckiest sapien in the universe just by having you.
Both of you know what you have aren't just ordinary.
Because when you learn to live by each other's wrongdoings and imperfections,
Love takes up a higher level.
Both of you weren't in love,
you were into each other.
And it is that tiny bit of difference that made both of you special.

Within these two years,
You and him matured through the many ups and downs.
Even though sometimes you were mad at each other, confused and felt like giving up,
You stood by each other because it wasn't worth breaking up.
Both of you sought guidance from God through your darkest moments,
With or without each other.
But at the end of the day, you came back to each other,
Because you were most comfortable with one another.

This year, 6th of February 2010,
He hopes to hear from you tonight.
In the spirit of reminding you who you are to him,
To assure himself that you're still part of him.
His feelings for you never changed since he met you
And he wants to make things right.
You said to him,
"You have the right to love anyone",
He would choose anyone,
But you are his choice.

Please make his wish come true tonight,
That is the least that he asked of you.

one-eight

2010-01-31T14:58:00.003+08:00

I MISS WFA

2010-01-30T22:04:00.002+08:00

What a failure he must have felt.
The boy who thought he had everything going for him.
The one who thought Life was a fairytale.
It is he who dreams too much.

Now that boy has nothing much left.
Only emptiness in his heart.

That boy is me.

Private getaway

2010-01-30T13:53:00.002+08:00

Life is getting too routined and mundane for my own liking.
I need a change...

I need to bake muffins.
Yes I should.

since you've been gone

2010-01-24T10:56:00.002+08:00

It's nearly a year since you've disappeared.
I wished I knew why.
I wished I knew what I had done wrong.
It's easy for them to say, to forget.
But I ain't moving on without... you.

It's nearly 3 months since you've disappeared.
I wished I knew why.
I wished I knew what I had done wrong.
Whatever happened to everything we talked about?
I'm holding on and I wished you knew.

I'm confused.
Why do the people I love walked away from me... so suddenly?
What did I do wrong this time round?

I guess I'll never know :( :(

2010-01-16T23:14:00.000+08:00

Infatuation or Commitment.
I wonder.

This isn't a fairytale, Syahrul.
This is real.

you meant the world

2010-01-15T23:45:00.000+08:00

he says to me

2010-01-10T17:41:00.000+08:00

And you can see my heart beating
You can see it through my chest
And I’m terrified but I’m not leaving
Know that I must pass this test
So just pull the trigger

Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes.

one less lonely

2010-01-10T00:17:00.002+08:00

I did a little catch-up with my JC friends and I discovered how different our lives turned out to be after we graduated. Each one of us are busy with our own preoccupations and there's so much going on right now that there's just too much to update each other on. I guess we didn't even get to say what we intended to say for time beats us.

I can safely say that my close friends are mostly happily attached, or so I hope they are. Sure, I share their joys. Listening to their stories and how they try to solve their problems are interesting, or rather food for thought. I don't really mind them talking about their own relationships, just that sometimes it feels a bit lonely when I'm out with them.

But it irks me (somewhat) that they don't treasure their lovers as much as I would like them to. Once lost, we lose it forever and I don't see why we should take any chances with that. They don't know how lucky they are to have someone to fall back on in times of need. If I could only see them through this, I'm sure they'll understand because I do.

If tears were made of diamonds, i would have made a precious jewel with your name engraved on it. Forgive me.

i see you

2010-01-09T14:28:00.002+08:00

I can't believe the first week of 2010 whizzed past. I could literally feel myself age with time. I could feel the lethargy from the trainings and everything else. But I guess, those are just some of the effects of growing up from a teenager to a young adult.

I'm starting to have these tingling sensations in myself by the way I react to certain situations to the way I think. I can't help but feel a little bit nostalgic about my own childhood. Growing up is a crazy transitory phase for all of us, but I can't believe it's happening so fast. It's interesting how we try to avoid maturity and stay in the moment, but as much as we try to, we simply can't.

With the coming of age and all that shizz comes responsibilities. I can't imagine myself being responsible for my own well-being without mum's caring ways, being responsible for my own financial needs without dad's hardwork. It's a whole new Life that I'm experiencing right now, and it didn't come in a subtle manner. It's like being unwillingly thrown into this whole new world. Maybe this is God's ways of telling me that I'm ready to face my own consequences and obstacles. If that's the case, then I pray that God will light me the path to a good future. I believe that everything happens for a reason - the situations, the people and the relationships built.

I find Leona Lewis' I See you very inspiring for the soul. Her vocals give that soulful and calming effect that somewhat touched my inner being when she sings. Sometimes, it brings tears to my eyes because it is indescribably beautiful.

Wherever you are... I see you in my dreams.

Footprints in the sand

2010-01-01T00:29:00.002+08:00

I was going to post up my end of year post with my new resolutions in it... but I decided against it. I was flipping through my 2009 Journal/Handbook - a book full of memories with the not-so-important dates and the oh-so-special occasions all noted inside. 2009 is definitely a year to remember given the rollercoaster ride I was on.

Looking forward, I'm not expecting anything much to change about myself, maybe a little bit fitter. I might not want to place new resolutions for this year because I don't find the need to and partly because I don't really stick to it which makes it all the more pointless. I shall let God decide my path for this year, be it good or bad memories. It's the little surprise element that comes with it that makes Life much interesting.

2010. Wow what a number! It feels like we've stepped to a new, futuristic era already. It doesn't feel quite like the 1990's anymore, if you know what I mean. 2010, a brand new start for all of us, a year older, a step further to our dreams. May 2010 be a blessed year ahead insyaallah.

Mating

2009-12-27T10:32:00.002+08:00

I'm going back to T Island today! :) Although I hate the ferry rides to and fro, but Tekong seemed to me like a getaway from all things I'm leaving behind in Singapore. It's like... you don't even have to think about anything at all. But I doubt once we're given our netbooks next week, this feeling of 'getting-away-from-issues' will ceased to stay. Oh well..

4 days in Singapore and I already felt foreign in my own country. I'm not that happy about it nor am I complaining about it. It's like a stopover in Life like a long-distance flight from Singapore to USA. I'm still getting myself used to the leaving my parents part. It gets harder, but I've to do this for the next 3 and a half months.

I might say that I spent Christmas well. Since my younger siblings are staying over at my aunt's and my elder brother has expanded his social circle, me and my parents decided to watch a movie together. Heh I felt like an only child for one night. We watched 'Avatar' and I would say that it is definitely a must-watch movie. Kudos to the issues raised like human's selfishness and environmental degradation and the stellar special effects, no critics can ever bring down this movie with any negative comments, I'm serious. Okay, watch the movie. Pfft.

I'll be back soon for the New Year holiday. And I have one last wish that I should fulfill before 2010 begins. But it's not up to me to fulfill that. Oh well..

(The title of this post is so misleading)

i don't want a lot for christmas

2009-12-25T21:06:00.003+08:00

Merry Christmas!

Back from Tekong Island for this short period of festive season. Just felt like blogging right now about whatever that's been occupying my mind for the past two weeks but now that I'm here, I lost the interest to do so. It's not like anyone is reading this anyway.

Just one bit: I think this year's Christmas is rather dull. There's no hype about it unlike yesteryears. The world lacks happiness.

All I want for Christmas is... (you).

don't let it go

2009-12-11T07:56:00.000+08:00

Alright, so I removed the last post now that I find it rather ridiculous for a hyperbolic emo post before I'm off to NS. Honestly, the last post was written ('typed' for that matter) due to my ever so dramatic reaction to everything that had happened for the past couple of weeks. Right now, I'm really over that phase because finally, someone opened my eyes to looking at it in a positive light.

All this hype about Love at this age is so overrated. Me and a friend came out with a theory when we were discussing about Love in general. We strongly feel that Love shouldn't be made into a word. It is more often than not used in a callous and careless manner. To express such an unexplainable and undescribable feeling or a rush of emotion into a word (or a man-made invention) does not do justice to what we really feel. 'Love' alone does not truly express this. It takes much more, and that is what we as human beings don't know. It is like another level of understanding that is beyond human knowledge. Love just comes and go without us knowing. It takes us by surprise and it is that sudden jolt of emotions that makes you feel wonderful, joyful, butterflies in the stomach kinda feeling.

So it is rather ironic that I'd say I gave up on love. I can't and I won't ever be. If it was meant for me, it will be mine but it will take some time and patience. God's miracles work in a special way that we humans don't even begin to know. There's no doubting or questioning His Powers. He is afterall The Almighty. Now I'm telling myself, it's all going to take some time and some patience. Let 'Love' (as it is called) come by naturally. I shouldn't force it nor should I prevent it. But right now, all I need is a little time-out to breathe, to start afresh which is why NS is coming at a good time :)

I've forgiven R. It's been hard on you and I don't want to blame you too much. Knowing you for the past 1 year plus changed my Life. You gave more than I could accept. You taught me about Life and its challenges. You gave me hope to continue fighting on. You were my motivation for everything I do. Blaming everything on you was a wrong move that I truly regret. And I'm sorry for all the pain I caused you throughout the years we knew each other. You are special, and you'll always be. (If only I could tell you that now)

Maybe, 'stalker' was right afterall. Reflecting about the people in my Life, I have some major forgiving to make. It's never too late right? I mean our Prophet forgave his people, why not us human beings? For such an admirable person, our Prophet was grounded and humble. He is everything that human beings should aspire to be and we can. It just takes a little time, a little kindness, a little patience, a little of everything. Insya'allah we'll be okay :)

Lastly, farewell to everyone who reads this blog. I'm not going to be gone forever. It's a new startin my Life just as how every New Year marks a new adventure in our lives. I don't really know what to expect from this experience but I'm going to have fun! It's the least I could do to make full use out of it. Anyway, I haven't told most of my friends about my enlistment, but that's okay. It'll be easier for me to handle the situation :) Heh.

WFA only: I miss you pretty much alot. I know you're going to be sad, but believe me God is making our lives much more exciting. Pray for me okay? That's the best farewell gift you can ever give to me. I look forward to meeting you after I book out, like we have always talked about. I love you :)

Swagger

2009-12-08T22:52:00.003+08:00

I'm in deep love with the new picture above. Heh I wanted to put the front part, but the picture looks kinda erotic somewhat, so I went against that. God knows some random pre-puberty child happened to stumble upon this blog and experience his/her first 'porn'. Funny that I used to think that people who don't wear shirts are prostitutes by nature. Hahaha okay that was when I was 10? I'm way too innocent and I am still :)

Well, I just watched Singapore Idol and I'm really not surprised with the results. Hell yeah I was rooting for Tabitha but it's so clear that Sylvia and Sezairi were going to the Finals. But Tabby definitely fought hard and she deserved a standing ovation for that. C'mon, pretty and soulful voice at 17? That's definitely Jordin Sparks Singapore-style in the making, man! I'm pretty sure that she's gonna get hooked up with a music producer soon. All is not lost, love :)

Okay, dad bought me a new phone to prepare me for NS. It's a pretty cool phone by Nokia and it's red (my favourite colour besides yellow and pink). I can't lie, I'm pretty much upset about going NS so soon. But I'm telling myself it's gonna be swell - the time spent, the new friends, a brand new headstart in life as an adult.

Argh I'm missing a lot of people right now especially WFA. He's in Australia, I don't know when he'll be back or whether he's back. But God, please let me talk to him before I'm enlisted :(

Of sleepless and teary nights

2009-12-07T12:39:00.002+08:00

Woah, I didn't expect life after A's to be such a whirlwind. Everything's zooming passed so fast I don't even know where I was a second ago. And as I have expected before A's, life now isn't really the same anymore. Too many things happening at one time can be quite conflicting and it'snot really good for the soul. Oh well.

Okay what I'm going to say next is all the emo shizz that I've been writing about. You can skip it if you want to but I bet you'll read it anyway. Stop lying. Haha.

I went to my grandmum's grave yesterday to seek some solace. My aunt told me that when grandmum was alive, she never let anyone hurt or scold me for anything. She was protective of me and always giving me the best among my other siblings. So I was thinking, what if she was still alive right now? Will I be hurt the same way I did, and could problems be less complicated than it is now? Maybe I could have been a better person, be in a better situation than I am in right now. I wouldn't have faced the pain I'm facing now. I would be rather be single forever with grandmum by my side than having to be hurt just to be loved. It's so ironic - Hurt begets Love.

With these 4 days I'm left with, I've given up almost my entire being trying to tell you how much I love you. But all that came out from it was... nothing. No calls, no text messages, no emails. My strength depletes with every minute that has gone passed. If I do this any longer, I'll crumble. So I'm giving you up. If you're much happier without me, then I'm giving you up. If you deserve someone better, then I'm giving you up. If I'm no longer in your heart like I used to be at, then I'm giving you up. There's really no point for me to keep waiting because you needed time. I gave you plenty but all you wanted was more. I can't be your angel from God, because you treated me unlike one. I can't be your perfect lover, because you're never there with me to begin with.

To God: If I was never meant to feel a fraction of love, then take me away from this world. I rather be with You.

I didn't know my own strength

2009-12-06T09:16:00.003+08:00

And they said we have to learn from mistakes. What if you were not a mistake?

Lost touch with my soul
I had no where to turn
I had no where to go
Lost sight of my dream,
Thought it would be the end of me
I thought I’d never make it through
I had no hope to hold on to,
I thought I would break

I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength

Found hope in my heart,
I found the light to life
My way out the dark
Found all that I need
Here inside of me
I thought I’d never find my way
I thought I’d never lift that weight
I thought I would break

There were so many times I
Wondered how I’d get through the night I
Thought took all I could take

I learned from the best

2009-12-05T14:47:00.002+08:00

If there was one thing I did learn from life, it is never to fall deeply in love. I should have known, from the beginning. Maybe I should start becoming a monk. Abstinence is the key to life-long success. Tsk.

On a good side note, prom was a blast! It was worth it, at least it was with the bestest company. And I still can't believe me and Shamz were the first one to run to the dancefloor. Hahaha! Epic success because everyone started joining after a good 5 minutes of just us two dancing. Hahaha.

(P.S. I'm so made for clubbing)

Reality vs. Fantasy

2009-12-03T22:42:00.002+08:00

I went out.
I had fun.
I came back home.
I'm all alone.
And I'm back where I started again.
In depressed mode.

Of heartaches and pains

2009-12-01T17:00:00.002+08:00

This song is the perfect song. And it's no use, because you don't know how I feel.

Never gone with the Wind

2009-12-01T10:37:00.002+08:00

What was I thinking in the first place? Two years ago when I met you, I really thought this was going to be the beginning of a new fairytale story with another happy ending. But little do I know, it will turn out like this.

Sometimes I wonder, for the past few months, whether you loved me the same way you did two years ago. I never knew what was running through your mind, but I kept holding on even against my own bestfriend's wishes. I knew you were special so I couldn't let you go. I remembered the first time we broke up, we both went through hell. So we patched things up, but look at us again, this was never what we wanted.

The thing I missed about you was talking to you on the phone at night, before we sleep. Even though it was just a phonecall a few times a week, at least I know you were close to me and that you were there for me. But lately, I've been spending lonely nights because you are too busy, even for me. I do not want to get irrational about it, but it has been 9 months since you called. Don't you think that was a bit too long?

Someone said my Love is my greatest strength, I'm losing it bit by bit. I never knew I could fall so hard for someone. I gave you my heart, but I wonder where you've put it now. Maybe it's at the back of your closet, long forgotten.

I pray to God to give me guidance through this. I pray to Him that if you were not meant for me, then He'll show me some signs. Is your absence a sign? I'm living in denial. I know I couldn't love anyone the way I loved you the past two years. Because you're my God-sent miracle, and you gave me happiness I never knew. Right now, things are beginning to change. You're no longer the person I knew two years ago.

I pray for another miracle right now that you'll contact me as soon as possible. I just want to tell you everything I feel towards you. But I wonder if I'll ever get the chance to do so.

-------------

I miss WFA so much, it even hurts to think about it right now :'(

Of liars and hypocrites

2009-11-30T19:33:00.002+08:00

It's funny how relationships between people work. Sometimes we fail to show our love and appreciation to one another until we're given a certain deadline. Like how patients with terminal illness are given a period of time to live, they start realizing that Life is indeed too precious to be given away.

The same things happen with relationships. But instead of knowing the deadline, you don't know it. You won't know when your partner or your friend will leave you. You don't know what they are thinking. As much as you think you know the person well, you don't even begin to know him that well. It's crazy - this idea about not knowing when to appreciate the people around us.

To think that all these while I've been getting to know a lot of people and in the end, it all boils to nothing. It's so sad, people makes me sad. I guess we're going to be stuck in such a hypocritical nature for a long, long time because that's what human beings are best at - being hypocrites.

Okay that being said, I want out. From life. So NS is definitely coming at a good time. Amin.

Maybe Just Maybe

2009-11-26T23:48:00.002+08:00

Alhamdulillah, my exams are finally over yesterday. And I hope all those months that I've put myself into a constant state of being in a rollercoaster, of all the breakdowns, of all the personal achievements, of all the letdowns, everything will pay off as it should be. For now, my aim is not to get straight As because honestly, I don't think I worked so hard to achieve such results. But I put my faith in God, that what I did will be a personal best for me. And that's all I'm asking for.

Right now, it's all about taking a nice break before I'm enlisted into the Army, which will be soon. I don't know what to expect but I'm taking it as it is. Even my parents are all into the "my-baby-boy-is-going-national-service-soon" frenzy which, believe me, irritates the hell out of me. But Army here I come, for better or worst, I have to go through two years with you anyhow.

At this exact moment, there are two things, or specifically, two people that I wish to be with me now - WFA and R <3 I don't know where they are exactly, but I hope you're reading this. I really really miss you.

To WFA: Ever since your papers were over, you're not online anymore and I don't know why. I'm not going to get myself depressed over it but I'm wishing you appear somehow, miraculously now. You know I can't live my life without you, right?

To R: I know this relationship hadn't been a joyous ride for both of us. But let's talk things through. The truth is, I miss you and I hadn't been able to cope with those feelings for the past 9 months that you were away. Can you please call or text me as soon as you read this (which I really hope you are)? Remember what you told me the last time: My life's empty without you, syg? Can you imagine the emptiness I'm feeling right now? I just want things to be better between the both of us, and I pray to God every single night for your presence in my life again.

Life may look unappealing at times, but it's not really that bad as you think it is. It's a test of your strength, your inner spirit. Pray, because that's the only hope you can find in Life.

Fight for this Love

2009-11-21T11:52:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I don't know where to put you.
But I believe that everything's going to be okay at the end of the day (:

Too much of anything can make you sick
Even the good can be a curse
Makes it hard to know which road to go down
Knowing too much can get you hurt
Is it better? Is it worse?
Are we sitting in reverse?
It's just like we're going backwards
I know where I want this to go
Driving fast but let's go slow
What I don't wanna do is crash, no
Just know that you're not in this thing alone
There's always a place in me you can call home
Whenever you feel like we're growing apart
Let's just go back, back, back, back, back to the start
Anything that's worth having
Is sure enough worth fighting for
Quitting's out of the question
When it gets tough gotta fight some more
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
If it's worth having it's worth fighting for
Now every day ain't gon' be no picnic
Love ain't a walk in the park
All you can do is make the best of it now
Can't be afraid of the dark
Just know that you're not in this thing alone
There's always a place in me you can call home
Whenever you feel like we're growing apart
Let's just go back, back, back, back, back to the start
Anything that's worth having
Is sure enough worth fighting for
Quitting's out of the question
When it gets tough gotta fight some more
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
If it's worth having it's worth fighting for
I don't know where we're heading I'm willing and ready to go
We've been driving so fast we just need to slow down and just roll
Anything that's worth having
Is sure enough worth fighting for
Quitting's out of the question
When it gets tough gotta fight some more
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for this love
If it's worth having it's worth fighting for

My memories of my first alma mater

2009-11-20T22:49:00.000+08:00

Remember your primary school days, when all you cared about was RECESS TIME and playing police-and-thief with your friends after school?

Well, time really flew by and look where we are now. All grown up in our late teens, and visiting your alma mater just... brings you back to our roots, where the point of our life begins to take shape. And before you knew it, here we are on the path that we had marked for ourselves back from our primary school days.

I just attended my alma mater's 15th Anniversary celebrations. It's really good to be back in the same hall, where I used to be diligently sitting with my books in hand or handling naughty juniors as a prefect in the school. Haha those were the times! Thus, being in the school once again brought back a rush of memories inside my mind as I sat there, with my siblings (who are ex students of the same school as well) amazed at the transformation that my alma mater had undertaken. Being the 3rd generation of North View Primary School is really a blessing in disguise. I never thought that my first alma mater would matter a lot to me now, but thinking back, it is the very place that had shaped my sights on my future.

Sure, my directions in life may change as I grow up. But it is the opportunities and experiences in NVPS that had provided me a lot of avenues to grow and learn. Especially right now, as I'm taking my A levels, I reflect back on my PSLE days. Back then, I had tuition, remedial classes, special learning programmes that the school organised, so everything was provided for me on a dish. I just had to take the spoon and eat up whatever was given to me. In short, we were spoonfed because they knew that the world would not be so kind to us as we grow up and move on to our adult life. And now here I am, doing things on my own and being responsible for my on studies and my own future. Sure, my parents gave me the encouragement to keep on working towards my dream and I thank them for everything that they did for me. (I love you mum, dad)

But as an 18 year old, the world is no longer the world that I saw with my 12 year old eyes. The world changed dramatically. Given puberty, peer pressure, teenage angst and whatnots, I am thankful to God that I survived through all those life obstacles. I still remember the first check-up in primary school where they checked our penises. Yeah, it was a rather shameful event in my life then. Haha but hey, everyone went through it so I wasn't alone. (And to think that I thought I was being molested)

It was also the fun programmes and CCAs that have spurred me to do my best and seek my own potential. I remembered I was in Track And Field, a short stint in Band and even Malay Dance. Haha yeah, so now you know where I got my interests from. It is from these humble CCAs that gave me the passion to continue what I love doing, not necessarily the best at but it came from my heart.

Anyway, most of my teachers that had taught me through my six years in NVPS weren't teaching there anymore. Some had retired and some moved on to greener pastures in their lives. I did meet one or two teachers who were invited back to the school to join in the celebration. It was really nice to know that these were the people who nurtured me and gave me a good foundation to work with for the rest of my lives. I admit, I was the most nerd-iest kid but ironically, I wasn't the brightest as well. But on the day of PSLE results came out, I knew NVPS had taught me well, both academically and morally. With an aggregate of 237 and a clean result of all As, I was really really thankful that my teachers didn't give up hope on me even at the very last minute.

And I met previous ex-students too which were from the different batches. I'm surprised that we have gone such a long way. Who knew that a pleasant neighbourhood school could produce wonderful students from junior colleges, polytechnics, universities and even careers. There is that sense of pride that comes with seeing so many of the students coming back to join in for the 15th Anniversary of our alma mater.

And then, my mum (she works there and she received a Silver Award in Excellent Services by MOE and she even got her own Hollywood Star in school for her recognition. Yay mum!) showed me and my siblings around the school. Things really had changed, for the better. I recalled the time when I thought there was a crocodile in the school pond because it was so murky, and then there were the classrooms as well. And the Class of 2009 had their first NVPS Graduation Night as well.

Wow, thinking about these made me feel old but at the same time, blessed to be brought up in the most caring way that no other schools could had given such an impact on me. It was really the best years of my life in NVPS, for it is the school that nurtures its students to rise and shine like the morning star. Noble and brave, proud as we are.

Thanks for the memories North View! And once again, Happy 15th Birthday!

2009-11-19T13:27:00.000+08:00

Need the strength, need the strength.

2009-11-18T10:08:00.002+08:00

You know it when it's all a case of bad karma.

I, Syahrul Naem Bin Jailani, nearly died after my paper yesterday. No, not because of the paper itself but... a huge tree branch fell just a step before me. And you cannot imagine how traumatised I am after that incident. I kept looking up at trees to make sure there's no falling branch that could endanger my life. I mean, can you imagine a newspaper report going "BOY KILLED BY FALLING BRANCH. AND HE ONLY HAS TWO MORE PAPERS TO GO FOR HIS A LEVELS. Okay, that is depressing. I am not going to walk under trees anymore. Especially, during windy days. Did you guys felt the wind yesterday? I thought I was going to be blown away until that incident happened. The best part is, a Chinese auntie smirked at me. YES SMIRKED! And being me, I was traumatised glamorously and laughing away. Yes, I could have even laugh in my death bed.

AFTER that unfateful incident, I came down with fever. YES, I know right. At this time, at this place (I am reminded by Disgrace), I cannot be sick. But thank God, it's another 8 more days till my last two papers. I just need plenty of rest and I'll be good. I'm still with the blocked nose though. Urgh.

So there! My very interesting day. Maybe God wanted to tell me something. Like YOU'RE GOING TO FAIL YOUR A LEVELS SO I'M MAKING YOU SEE THE SIGNS NOW or YOU HAVE BEEN A NAUGHTY BOY, GO STUDY! Yes I know. Even God wants me to study. But all I want to do now is anything and everything but STUDY!

No no no, I should study. And get more rests. Yes I should :)

2009-11-16T23:51:00.003+08:00

Have you ever had that feeling of not being satisfied of what you've done thus far?
Like not studying enough for an examination.
Or not saying the right things to a person before you know it, he's gone.
That uneasy feeling inside you that makes you feel like some kind of a loser.

I get that every time and I think it's normal.
It's normal to feel the way that you did because it's human's innate nature not to feel self-satisfied.
We yearn for things far greater, far better than the present.
That's why we invent things, that's why there's creativity.

But there's always that one thing that we forgot about.
The Almighty, the One and Only, God.
We forgot that whatever we do have been written as fate in our journal of life.
That even though we fail, or succeed or fall from our state of grace, it has been written.
You might find this unfair but the truth is, it is very much the opposite.
Because if God doesn't want us to succeed in a particular direction, then you know there are far more better things that you will succeed in.
Be it, anything that you could've imagine.

So I'm telling you now and I'm telling myself.
Whatever happens, happens.
Even though I feel that I've not prepared myself for the battle, I'm going to face it.
No one knows, no one can predict.
And even so, it wouldn't be accurate.
I'm facing this battle.
With mind (all that I've worked for) and my heart (God).

Cause there's no time like now.
It's now or never (:

2009-11-14T23:28:00.002+08:00

“God is with those who persevere” - Holy Quran

Just take a leap

2009-11-14T21:58:00.003+08:00

"What hurts the most, is to be so close" is by far the most honest words I've heard thus far. Such beautiful lyrics that paints the most disgusting feelings inside you. Somehow, I'm not really looking forward to post-A's period. Because I know, things will change, for better or worst. Meeting new people, building new relationships, facing the world in a new light. It is all too much for one to bear. But hey, it is the freedom that we all seek in life that seemed to push us into an uncertain future. Maybe that is a good thing. Exposure... But what else could be more scarier than facing the music? It is in this inevitable cycle of growing up, of life that we exist. And by God, we only seek the goodness in life, or do we?

It is undeniable that in our pursuit to enrich our lives with sweet memories, there are the ups and downs of life. We hurt others to get what we want. We feel the bittersweet taste of success after a myriad of failures. We fall apart and make up again with the people we loved. But what if it all stops? No happy endings, just overwhelming sadness and anger and all that negative shizz. Life would be dreadful to say the least. So I asked myself, "Why do I remain hopeful?" And the answer became clear to me.

That Life isn't made to be dreadful. That God only wishes Mankind blissful lives. So there will always be a better future. There will always be a rainbow after a stormy weather. There will always be light after dark. And none of these would exist without Man's hope for a better future. Be brave. Because it only takes a leap of faith.

2009-07-13T23:52:00.002+08:00

Mr. Sunshine will be on a hiatus till further notice.
This is to prepare for his Preliminary Examinations and A's.

I wish you all the best for your upcoming exams.

Have faith and God bless (:

Till we meet again, Vintage Mannequin.

2009-07-11T00:13:00.002+08:00

They won't understand, don't they? They only think about themselves, not about how I feel. Don't you know it hurts me when you said I didn't care about the family anymore? Don't you know it hurts me more when you said I don't even know how to spend time with the family? It's not as if I don't want to, but I've been too busy with school. And schoolwork is not easy especially during these critical period leading up to A's. I'm not left with so much time. I just want you to understand, and cooperate with me. I'm at the brink of breaking down with all these things happening right now.

And by the way, you were too busy when I needed you the most and you never knew the times I felt really, really lonely. So save it :(

2009-07-09T21:56:00.002+08:00

I really don't like what I'm going through right now. I need to really pull myself out from this crap I'm in, start putting in more effort into what I'm doing because I don't feel like I'm going to make it till the end of the years with the state I am in right now. I know I haven't been an effective and productive student this year, and I'm really sorry about that. I can't seem to put my mind at ease with the personal problems I am facing. I'm trying very hard to put the past behind and start the day anew but somehow I feel as if I've not accomplished anything at the end of the day. I can only talk so much about improving myself, but I know there needs to be an effort from me. I want to help myself, I do. I need God's guidance, I need a little more faith in me. Come on Syahrul, what's wrong with you?

Sometimes I want to run away to the moon, for I wish to be isolated from the rest of the world.

2009-07-08T19:40:00.002+08:00

To be or not to be; that is the question.

I believe things happen for a reason. God knows what He's doing.

I'll trust you, as much as you trust in me.

2009-07-06T19:16:00.002+08:00

WFA, WHERE ART THOU? I NEED TO TALK TO YOUUUUUUUUU.
AND I MISS YOUUUUUUU. LIKE A LOTTTTTTTTT.

(P.S: I'm sure Lizah will start laughing now)
(P.P.S: WFA, if your MSN can't work, go to ebuddy.com. It's an online version of MSN Messenger, just in case)
(P.P.P.S: I wish I was born a normal human being, with simple needs and pleasures)

2009-07-06T06:30:00.002+08:00

Maybe I want love so much so that I can't see the signs, like what Nizam said.
Maybe I trust you too much to even give a damn about myself.

Take the advices of others for they worry about you.
And maybe I should.
And I hope I won't regret this later.

2009-07-02T23:50:00.002+08:00

I am afraid. Because as of now, I might be getting the H1N1 symptoms. I'm having a throbbing headache that makes me want to vomit everytime, I've been having the flu since school started and I only need the sorethroat to confirm this. Please don't let me have H1N1, because as much as I don't want to go to school, it's not like I have a choice in life. Plus, I don't want to die like this :(

I miss WFA. Somehow he knows how to make things better when your world's drodgy. Shit, I need to vomit.

2009-06-29T21:14:00.002+08:00

Okay, so the AYG Opening Ceremony was not as luxurious as Beijing Olympics. But, they tried :) Gosh, now I can't wait to meet the athletes! FYI, I am volunteering as an AYG volunteer and my job is basically as a prize presenter. So, if you're lucky (or if I'm lucky), I'll appear on your television screen! :D

So, look out for the Shooting Finals held at Yishun Safra from the 1st to 4th July :)

And damn, I am missing WFA again. He's having his Mid Years. Tsk, it's like evryone having exams except for us ay? But mock tests every single week is enough to kill us too. Grrrr.

2009-06-28T22:25:00.002+08:00

When I observe my own friends in love, I don't know whether I should be jealous, scornful or just lucky. On one hand, there are the two intimate lovebirds who share the same sentiments with one another. They are there for each other, physically and the sight of it makes you want to yearn for a similar company. Those couples are those whom I usually envy, for I didn't had a chance to go through the same thing.

Secondly, those who can't be far apart from each other. It makes me wonder how I could survive the 5 months without R while others who had only met 5 minutes before could already feel the pain of something amiss. These are the couples who make you want to slap them across the face and make them feel tortured. Nah... just kidding. Hehe.

And on the other hand, the fights and quarrels that couples go through. They could be tiny but some turned out to be so huge, you don't even know how it happened. It makes me feel lucky that even though me and R are not communicating right now, at the very least, we are not fighting nor quarreling. I am thankful for that.

But it's hard to deny the fact that once you begin getting into relationships, what you always desire is to be loved by someone else (not your family or friends) but a special one. I confess that I am jealous of my friends who already have their partners AND they are enjoying each other's company. For all I know, me and R are not a conventional pair since we don't even know where this relationship is heading to. Sometimes I feel that it is my fault that I don't think through the decisions I had made before. But one should also realised that if a problem arises in a relationship, the the ones involved in the relationship need to solve it TOGETHER. One cannot call it a relationship if it is a one-sided affair.

R, I know you are trying. I am trying. I love you, and I hope that is enough. I miss you very, very, very much. I should stay strong and believe in God's destiny for me. I wish I could turn back time to when we were so close. Impossible, for now we've grown apart from each other, physically and I'm not sure, emotionally. I wish I knew whether you still love me, whether my place in your heart stays intact.

Answers, answers. We all yearn for answers in this life. I wish we had answers to all the questions we have in Wikipedia or Google but no, that's life. Full of questions... unanswered.

2009-06-28T13:49:00.002+08:00

I'm taking a break from all the Math sums and enjoying karma as it is.

Why Karma? For not touching Math ever since holidays started.

Thanks Art, you make my life blissful as it is already. Raaahhh!

(Well, at least I've no exams to worry about. Nyehehh :D)

2009-06-27T22:29:00.001+08:00

Face this as an adult, be mature about it, and everything will be fine at the end of the day.

I know it would, I hope it would.

2009-06-27T01:51:00.004+08:00

They're like the hottest pair on-screen ever.

And Transformers 2 with the family was awesome.

Need to do this more often :)

2009-06-26T12:56:00.001+08:00

You drain my emotions.
Now I'm lying here emotionless.

2009-06-25T18:26:00.002+08:00

I have to update, due to the request of WFA who wants my life to be documented (for his pleasure) *rolls eyes*

Nothing much happened in my life since I last updated. Just a couple of meet-ups and chilling out sessions with friends and a major part of my life had probably revolved around Art since holidays started. Yes, every single day from morning till evening. And you say I complain too much? Don't make me force myself on you. Tsk.

I think this must be the worst holiday period in my life. There were countless times of me breaking down due to stress and other whatnots but fret not, Syahrul's still holding on. It may not exactly be how I planned the holidays to be, but I guess that makes life much more interesting, implicitly. Haha.

I've not been putting equal attention to my other subjects though. And I promise I will get back to mugging mode after I've settled with Art, plus with the help of my friends (I hope :S) Oh well, mum's in the kitchen trying to help out with the sewing. I didn't know a woman's job can be so... arduous. It's like giving a man a nail to cut down a mangrove tree. Where's the link in that? I don't know.

Oh I've been missing a lot of people lately. Primary school friends, secondary school friends, bestfriends, good friends, boyfriends, girlfriends... yup you get my point. Three more days till school's in. Gotta make the best out of it by rushing through the math papers this weekend! AHHH and to think that I was the only one who have not done it yet... tsk tsk.

One more thing, I miss R. There I said it. Now, go gossip! :P

2009-06-21T21:57:00.002+08:00

"Never look back", they said.
But how was I to know I miss you so...

Sometimes Britney can make me cry.

2009-06-21T16:12:00.003+08:00

Because I love you too much it shows all my emotions go out of control.

Good for you, bad for me.

When I could hardly breathe from the tears that flow.

Just breathe, breathe slow, Syahrul.

2009-06-18T22:41:00.001+08:00

2009-06-18T12:24:00.002+08:00

I don't know who you are anymore.
Give back the person I fell in love with.

Because I keep thinking of you.

2009-06-17T00:03:00.002+08:00

Currently not feeling too well, too sane to talk about anything.
WFA, come online soon.
I miss you, a lot.

Miss you too :'(

2009-06-11T08:09:00.001+08:00

You're the best damn thing.
I swear you are.

:) :) :) :) :)

2009-06-08T20:12:00.001+08:00

Here's the the Malay Cultural Society during Post-SYF Concert.
Pardon the minor mistakes here and there, we were still rusty :P
Featuring a Malay Contemporary piece and we got a Silver Award for this.
Oh and yours truly is the one at the most right.
ENJOY! :)

And do comment on it.

2009-06-07T23:22:00.001+08:00

Somehow I'm upset that I didn't get to chat with WFA the whole weekend.
I'm very, very, very upset okay.

Sigh.

2009-06-06T23:55:00.000+08:00

It's 14 months.
I don't understand.

What's wrong?

2009-06-04T22:29:00.002+08:00

Here's me, when I don't know what to do with myself in the Digital Media Lab.

While singing, "I WANT NOBODY NOBODY BUT EEWW!"

HAHAHAHAHA!

2009-06-03T22:31:00.001+08:00

This song tells you how I feel:

Me and my heart we got issues

Don't know if i should hate you or miss you

Damn i wish that i could resist you

Can't decide if i should slap you or kiss you,

Me and my heart we got issues

Why me?

2009-06-01T23:44:00.003+08:00

Last Saturday, I had a scholarship preparatory workshop with the ESP students. It's our last meeting for the year :( Awww.. All the best for the Prelims, ESP-ians. We can definitely do this :)
Anyway, I came to realise that maybe I've not been working so hard to achieve what I want. I mean, I really want the best for myself and my parents so that they won't have to work doubly hard to pay for my Uni fees. They always say, "Aim for the highest" and highest in the scholarship sense is the PSC scholarship. I'm not really sure whether I want to apply for it because I feel that I'm not up to that standard. Even though, I've met the criterias to apply, maybe what they need are the results and I don't produce them results. Sigh...

However, I've been putting my sights to an SIA scholarship though. I really really want it because I want to fulfill my dream of going around the world. Now, I've been thinking how I would put my life at risk if I were to become an air steward. Should there be any diseases, airplanes are the most vulnerable places to be in. Should there be any complications, the airplane will definitely not survive the crash. Should there be a terrorist attack, the air stewards and pilots are in danger and hold great reponsibilities for the lives of their passengers.

The reason why I'm saying all these is not to scare myself. It made me realised how much risks I'm putting myself into, to be away from my loved ones most of the time. But if one were to make a decision, would he sacrifice his dream to be with his loved ones? That, I am not sure myself. But I hope, if anything happens to me, you'll remember me always. Keep me in your prayers and be closer to God for He holds your destiny in His hands.

I'm speaking to you with confidence, not with arrogance.

2009-05-31T22:03:00.002+08:00

Dear R,

I know things haven't been working out well between us. And I suspect that you've been reading my blog, trying to understand how I feel. I've been complaining too much, explaining too little. So, I'm explaining to you now. Even though you're not with me, I pray for you everytime I have the chance to. I pray to God that you'll be able to overcome all obstacles in life, be successful in whatever you do and be a good Muslim. I guess you don't know this.

I have to tell you that I can't wait my whole life for you. You cannot come back into my life whenever you want to because I don't function that way. You can tell me all the words of love in the world, but have you ever prove it to me? You do things without explaining yourself. And maybe you do things without thinking about others. That may just be one of your flaws. I know I have to accept you the way you are but I really want you to change for the better.

Time can change feelings towards another. I don't feel the same towards you now than I had before. And you know why it is so. WFA's been helping me a lot to overcome these emotional setbacks I had. Sometimes when I feel like giving up, he would bring me back to my feet. If it wasn't for WFA, I wouldn't be where I am now.

I need you to explain. Explain to me everything. Tell me what I have to know. I'm not a stranger to you, syg. I am, afterall, yours.

Hugs and Kisses,
Syahrul

2009-05-29T22:25:00.001+08:00

Don't try to explain your mind
I know what's happening here
One minute it's love
And suddenly it's like a battlefield

One word turns into a war
Why is it the smallest things that tear us down
My world's nothing when you don't
I'm not here without a shield
Can't go back now

Both hands tied behind my back with nothing
Oh no, these times when we climb so fast to fall again
Why we gotta fall for it now

I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield? (x2)
Why does love always feel like..

Can't swallow our pride,
Neither of us wanna raise that flag, mhmm
If we can't surrender then we both gonna lose what we had, oh no

Both hands tied behind my back with nothing
Oh no, these times when we climb so fast to fall again
I don't wanna fall for it now

I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield? (x2)

I guess you better go and get your armor, (get your armor) get your armor
I guess you better go and get your armor, (get your armor) get your armor
I guess you better go and get your...

We could pretend that we are friends tonight (oh-oh-oh)
And in the morning we'll wake up and we'll be alright
Cause baby we don't have to fight

And I don't want this love to feel like..
A battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield,
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield
I guess you better go and get your armor...

I never meant to start a war
You know I never wanna hurt you
Don't even know what we're fighting for (fighting, fighting for)
Why does love always feel like a battlefield, a battlefield, a battlefield? (x2)

I guess you better go and get your armor, (get your armor) get your armor
I guess you better go and get your armor, (get your armor) get your armor
Why does love always feel like...
Why does love always feel like...
A battlefield, a battlefield..

I never meant to start a war
Don't even know
What we're fighting for
I never meant to start a war
Don't even know
What we're fighting for

2009-05-27T20:31:00.004+08:00

I'm so tired. Tired of listening how bad I am doing compared to other students. Tired of all the demands you put on me. Tired of whatever you have to say to mock my ability. I'm lethargic, I'm near exhaustion. Give me a break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :( :(

2009-05-24T19:02:00.004+08:00

I get agitated seeing couples. In college, in buses, in shopping malls, even the library. I don't know how to feel. Love's all around and it seemed that I don't own a piece of it. I forgot how it feels like. I forgot...

Sometimes...

Hrmm...

2009-05-23T21:46:00.002+08:00

So, it's official. The 23rd Student Leaders have finally stepped down. I thought I would cry during Investiture, but I didn't. Instead, I was camwhoring -.-

I feel that there are many things I would like to say, but I just can't find the right words to say. If it stays genuine to the words I have in my heart, then I would rather it stay in my heart. I wouldn't want anyone to misunderstand me or in the first place, do you even understand?

2009-05-20T20:21:00.002+08:00

I've been spending too much time in the art studio these days, so much so that it's becoming my new hangout place where I eat, do work, sleep and get naked (literally). I am deprived of sunlight and clean air, given that the studio is certified Z-grade in cleanliness and hygiene.

Anyway, the J2 and J1 art gays went to Raffles Institution (JC) for an art exchange programme. We were privileged to see their art coursework from their 2008 batch which got all distinctions. I was really flabbergasted by the quality of work and in comparison to mine, it was way, way, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy better. After feeling depressed looking at their final work, their preparatory boards nearly killed me. I swear they spent like their whole life doing art and nothing else with the effort that they put in. Sigh...

It made me reflect about my attitude towards Art. I mean, I've always enjoyed doing art as a favourite pastime. But somehow, doing Art as a curiculum subject takes away that feeling of satisfaction and enjoyment that one has towards doing art. Art is a subject which lets one to express himself, freely. It does not have to be appealing to the eyes. It does not have to be perfect with sharp edges. It just has to have meaning, a personal interpretation of a theme. And it can be anything, a universal piece of artwork.

But lately, I've been feeling too depressed, too caught up with deadlines and schedules that I've lost touch with the emotions of art. I've been too busy complaining and whining and bitching about teachers (no offence) that I fail to take it in my stride and use my creativity to improve myself. I am too dependent on the teachers to help me solve technical problems which I could solve myself. I am too slow at finishing tasks which only needed a few hours of my free time. It is a wonder how a visit to RJC could make me reflect about a lot of things that I wish I could have avoided.

Well, no human beings are perfect. But that doesn't mean we need to make more mistakes. One has to learn from his mistakes, and learn it fast so that he can catch up with others who wants that distinction as well. I believe I can do it. I just need a little more encouragement. Just a bit.

I was in the MRT, back from CityHall. And WFA came into my mind. I miss you :)

2009-05-17T19:13:00.002+08:00

I came across a blog, a friend of mine. I got reminded of the past, and what I wanted to be. I think I've never told anyone the full story but here goes...

I remembered I was beyond ecstasy when I got my PSLE results. I even cried because I never thought I would get straight As. And that was the time, when my parents were really proud of me. But when posting results came, I was disappointed. I wanted to get into Victoria School but no one from my school got into VS. Sadly, I was posted to Ahmad Ibrahim Secondary.

Oh well, it was one of the best neighbourhood schools. So it lifted my spirits a bit. I went through a lot during my time in there. Mostly ups, because I had my company of friends who never failed to cheer my school days. Then O Level came.

Prelims were okay I guess. The fact that I didn't study much due to the Art Coursework that we had to rush for (even on the day of the deadline itself). I qualified to go into a Junior College for the first three months with 15 points. And I chose to enter Yishun Junior College, because I didn't know other JCs would accept anyone with any points during the first three months (could have gone to Meridian JC, damn).

PAE was a whole lot of FUN! I met the greatest people in there and definitely those whom I would cherish for a long time. There were talks about going to other JCs after results. And most of us were in favour of going elsewhere.

O Level results came. I was hoping to do much better than Prelims given that I knew I studied hard. For a second, when I got back the results, I was crying tears of happiness because I had an A1 for the most unexpected subject - Art. I did okay overall with L1R4 of 14 points. I knew I hadn't a chance to go into any good JCs, so I tried my luck in appealing to NYJC through Art and TPJC.

Both appeals were rejected consecutively. I hit rock bottom again, and I was really disappointed. Mum knew best, and she gave me good sound advices to cheer me up. So, I gave my everything into it. Being in YJC gave me opportunities which I wasn't given throughout my school years. I represented the college at various competitions, I did well in the exams and got promoted as the top 20% in the college.

And right now, I'm this close to taking my Prelims and then A Levels, and the only worry I have is whether I could get a scholarship. I need it because I don't think my parents could afford paying for furthering my studies. I'm working hard, maybe not hard enough, but at least I'm trying. I know I can't give up on myself, because no one has given up on me yet. I need to prove to everyone that I'm capable of greater things and not just the average among the creme of the crop.

Just so you know, I'm striving for a PSC scholarship which could get me to any universities. I need to work hard, but right now, my academic results aren't showing the hardwork. Sigh.

2009-05-16T20:38:00.003+08:00

I am impressed. Impressed by the quality put up by the Malay Dancers during SYF 2009. I've been watching videos of them at Youtube for the past hour (and THAT could be spent doing work), but I was blown away by the dances and the songs. Especially the songs. They were awesome. And no matter what award the schools get, the qualities of a good Malay dance are apparent in every dance groups. So WELL DONE Malay dancers, for keeping the spirit of traditional and contemporary Malay dancing alive.

To YJC Malay Dance team, let's rock the Post-SYF concert and show them that we deserved more than a Silver award. We all know that we are capable of better work.

I'm proud to call myself a Malay dancer, and most importantly, proud that I'm doing something which I enjoy and am best at :)

2009-05-13T22:24:00.003+08:00

Because my biggest fan wants me to blog tonight, I shall do it. Today was a sexciting day because it was YJC's Annual Track And Field. I had my events for the relay and we did so well, I think it was my bestest last run as a Track & Field runner. I am really blessed to be running with the team - the school's national team which happens that all the runners is in the same House! Hahaha. Anyway, we achieved CHAMPION HOUSE! YAY! Kudos to Admiralty's 08/09 House EXCOS for making it possible. All the way, Aydan! :)

Oh just received a text from Pris regarding the Investiture rehersal tomorrow. Awwww I don't want to step down so soon. I was just having funnnnnn. Okay it's quite stupid that we're supposed to sing Miley Cyrus's The Climb as a performance to sing during Investiture. Like WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!

Back to today. I think I'm like the most dumbest person on Earth (supported by WFA, thanks eh). I actually did the wrong text for the Malay Literature test just now. OMG, and I was writing with much passion. Raaaaaaaaah someone should just bang me now. Okay, not bang. Shoot. Yes, shoot.

I'm so shagged from today's events. My legs feel like jelly but I think it's all worthwhile. Oh and the House EXCOs look like pageant winners with our sashes. Haha guess what mine said? VC Sexy Legs (insert a drawing of lips). AHAHA hey, it suits me okay!

2009-05-11T20:15:00.002+08:00

Well, I spent 1 and a half days thinking through after what had happened. And I'm happy to say that I won't spend too much time thinking about relationships and whatnots. Because it's been affecting the way I think, feel, act and especially towards my studies. I'm going to change, I promised WFA. And I'm not going to do stupid things again. I'll try.

Today, chatted with someone whom I dearly missed. Made me smile :D

OH I need to put this! WFA likes to merajuk with me. Haha not that I'm complaining though. Heeee he's MY WFA afterall. Thanks for everything, love you! (You know what I mean) :) :)

2009-05-10T14:27:00.002+08:00

In life, there are some things that one keep as secrets.

But when everything spills out, the effect from it is disastrous.

At this point in life, I wish I was knocked down by that vehicle a few weeks ago.

Sigh.

2009-05-09T22:34:00.000+08:00

Maybe all I want to do now is run away. Faraway.

2009-05-08T22:27:00.003+08:00

Tsk, I am so screwed. I've been late for school twice and I've received the warning letter. Hence, that certifies me in the list of potential expulsion from college. Don't ask about the issue. YJC has a very different way of dealing with its students. I pray that I won't be late for the rest of the year or I'll be done for :)

Anyway, it feels great to spend my Friday nights with friends and family. I'm usually busy with art on Friday nights because there would be art on Saturdays. BUT, tomorrow's Vesak Day! Public holiday = no class! YAY! I swear all of the Art students jumped for joy :)

This week had been pretty smooth sailing. Preparations for Track And Field Day and dance practice have been keeping me happy for this week. So, I'm good :)

There's a lot of smiley faces in this post. It just shows how happy I am. Heeeeeee :)

2009-05-06T19:14:00.002+08:00

13 months ago, GOD gave me a miracle I could keep.

And there was not a day that went by without me thinking of you.

Wherever you are now, I love you :)

2009-05-04T18:24:00.001+08:00

I had a good conversation with the CT today during the review session. I told her all my academic problems and as I had expected, she had no idea how to help me out. She said I should turn to my friends. Well, I do but they gave me words I could only listened to. She said it's up to me because I'm the only person who knows what I want. And right now, I don't know what I want.

I have to be strong for my family, for my friends, for WFA, for GOD and for you.

2009-05-03T21:47:00.001+08:00

I think I hurt my hand. There is a slight bump in my right hand and I could feel pain when I pressed on it. I don't know how it happened, but I'm having slight difficulty writing now.

I think weekends are too short for comfort, really.

2009-05-02T21:50:00.002+08:00

You should let me love you
Let me be the one to give you everything you want and need
Baby good love and protection
Make me your selection
Show you the way love's supposed to be
Baby you should let me love you, love you, love you

If I could, I would.

2009-05-02T05:23:00.003+08:00

Syahrul is back from the 1st House EXCO Camp and it was a blast! Kudos to the 2008/2009 batch of House EXCOS for making it possible. Let's start a legacy, one step at a time :)

I think I'm entering my breakdown period soon, which is pretty much a normal period in the life of Syahrul Naem. I'm so shagged beyond words and the three-letter word is making this worst.

And what if there is someone new...

2009-04-29T23:48:00.003+08:00

I'm not surprised if WFA would tell me this one day,

"WFA, I just don't get it. Do you enjoy being hurt?"

Tsk. Some things are not meant to be understood by others. Only God knows what our hearts actually yearn for. And when someone you cherish hurt you the most, instead of letting go, the love grows stronger. Because amid the times we fought and argued, no one understands you more than the only person that made you cry each and every night.

I don't understand it myself too. Of course, I don't exactly enjoy being hurt. But I'll always remember what you said to me,

God never gave one an obstacle too difficult for him to overcome because God
knows your abilities well enough.

Though it wasn't the exact same words you said to me, it was still meaningful to me. And that's how much you've changed my life :)

Anyway, I won't be at home on Thursday night till Friday evening for HOUSE EXCO Camp. WFA, if you're reading this, don't miss me too much :P

2009-04-27T20:46:00.002+08:00

Hope brings as much misery as it does bring us happiness.
But hope can break a person so much so that one ceases to hope for a miracle to happen.

There's no use in hoping for something good to happen.
One can wait his entire life, but...

Syahrul, there's no use...

2009-04-26T21:27:00.003+08:00

I was listening to Dangerously In Love by Beyonce and I remembered the words which meant a lot to me. And again I was thrown into a state of remembering someone. Someone who is missing in my life for the past 3 months. Well, I've been keeping myself as busy as I could so that I would not think of you but time proves me wrong everytime...

I'm not sure what I want in life now. I know what I need to do is to go through this tough year and face 'A' Levels at the end of the year. But apart from that, what do I want more? Not a want, more of... desire. Yeah, my desire.

Life's not just about worldly desires, but also the spiritual, emotional. I wish I know where you are right now, what you're doing and how you're feeling. I wonder if you're reading my blog secretly like you always do. I miss listening to your advices about life and studies. I miss your texts and phone calls. And I really do miss your ways of saying "I Love You".

Man can only plan and dream, but God holds the key to our destiny. If I'm not destined to be with you, then I'll accept it wholeheartedly even if it hurts me.

There's so many things I want to say to you.
But I'm afraid I'll shed tears for you again.
So I won't.
I won't say anything any longer.
Sorry if I've been a burden to you all this while.

2009-04-25T23:54:00.002+08:00

So, Syahrul didn't regret rushing from his Art class at 2pm to join the others at Temasek JC for the Semarak Temasek 2009 - a competition/concert/charity event put up by the various JCs. I'm glad that ACJC won and I really thought the girl could sing well, AND she's pretty :)

Maybe one of the reasons why I took the trouble to go was because of WFA, who kept begging me to go. And being the one-of-a-kind WFA that I am, I went :) But this WFA of mine didn't come and find me, so we didn't even meet :( Awesome eh, WFA?

Haha and I can't believe we had a small argument just now which ended only after 5 - 10 mins. Because I felt guilty being angry at him :P Anyway, how could I ever be angry at WFA for a long time? I can't live without him, more so be angry at him. Hehe and he's reading this now because he's waiting for his WFA to finish blogging so that he could read it and then sleep together (together, I mean in different beds).

I've work to complete by Monday. The literature research essay and my draft SGC. I should have done this earlier. Pfft.

It's been months since I heard anything from you.
I still miss you...